so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
