just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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