She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
