i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
