He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
