i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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