so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
foreskin is a definite game changer
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
