Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
