Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
It's blow job season.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize