I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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