If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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