I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm just crazy horny about you
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
