My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Randomize
