my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
