You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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