I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
