U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
