You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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