I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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