i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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