Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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