I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
