my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
