The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The best revenge is premature balding
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize