I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
