Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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