Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
