U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize