Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
