you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
