3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
