highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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