Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
