Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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