Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
