I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
