I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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