last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
organizing the empties. That sober.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
