He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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