I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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