You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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