just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
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