Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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