this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
