It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
