we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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