Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
