I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
