so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize