He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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