I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
even my farts smell like vagina
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
