dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
