I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
