I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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