I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
