i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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