I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
