i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
